Until this year nobody except Meteorological nerds knew what a polar vortex was or how they worked. Now, everybody knows what a polar vortex is, and it will quickly make the top 10 most hated words/phrases of 2014 (quickly joining such favorite hated words/sayings like hashtaging your hashtag, fiscal cliff, Obamacare, and oldies but goodies like WMDs and Gen X.) Frankly, I’ve gotten sort of use to it being below zero, and have resigned myself to a forever winter – we haven’t seen a temperature above 32 in the last two weeks, and have an average of about 7 degrees so far in February. So, as we embark on the frigid waning weeks of February I have compiled a list of 10 fun activities for everyone to tackle during their next polar vortex, vortexes, vortacies?
10. Flip your mattress! According to mattress.com, which is apparently a real thing for all things mattress related, “New mattresses should be rotated, on average, every 3 months. But use your best judgment and if you feel a bit of a sag or can see one with the naked eye, it might be best to rotate your mattress more often. And make sure you don’t forget your foundation! Your nightly slumber can weigh heavily on a box spring as well, so rotate your box spring every 6 months, but be sure to never, EVER flip it.” There’s nothing like wrestling with a 50lb mattress so old that it bends in half like soft shell taco. What’s even better is you can rope others into helping you with this fun an often over looked task.
9. Friend and stalk former girlfriend/boyfriend that really pissed you off in the past on Facebook. Comment on everything they’ve ever posted, and use lol even (or especially) where inappropriate. As an added bonus friend their current partner/spouse and hope they blindly accept the friend request – repeat annoying behavior. Unfriend once polar vortex has concluded.
8. Download and play Flappy Bird. The addiction that is Flappy Bird will have you tossing your smart phone across room rather quickly. Flappy Bird is about the most basic game in the market place and requires you only be able to rhythmically tap the screen to make a little bird flap its wings and navigate obstacles. Heather Kelly of CNN writes, “The game’s fluttering rise to the top has been a viral mystery. Its addictiveness and absurd level of difficulty have driven many to the brink of madness and spawned a number of online rants and hysterical reviews.” Give it a go, and don’t forget to pen a suicide note before hand.
7. Begin reading War and Peace, the proverbial greatest (and longest fucking) book ever written. Many have tried, yours included, and failed – I’m certain I purposefully left it one apartment or another during some move while living in closets and coatrooms in Chicago. I tried reading that book when I was in my 20’s living the Hemingwayian writer’s lifestyle, with very little writing and a whole bunch of drinking. It was very seedy, often dirty, and totally unproductive – at least that’s what the 40 year old me tells myself. Reading the 1400+ page book isn’t necessarily a literary accomplishment, but you certainly do earn some bragging rights in your book club.
6. Watch The Shining, because nothing says I love being trapped inside my house like Jack Nicholson. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…
5. Figure out what Twitter is for. This is primarily for those over 35 who have Twitter accounts, but are uncertain of just why the hell they only have 140 characters to say something. These people are also addicted to Facebook, and frequently debase themselves for the amount of time they spend clicking like and not actually reading the article. #wtfistwitter
4. Watch reruns of Bay Watch, because who doesn’t love David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson running around on the beach saving lives. I’m pretty sure the show got a little out of hand when they got abducted by aliens – but that was just Tommy Lee, and that’s a different video anyway. This epic show certainly didn’t inspire me to run off to California and become a life guard, but knowing that Hasselhof dies an epic death on stage in Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical makes a body happy.
3. MINECRAFT – while not personally addicted to this video game, if my daughter is any indication it must possess an addictive drug that makes it nearly impossible to stop playing, watching YouTube videos about, and talking incessantly. I can tell you there about 1000 different mods, and a entire dictionary to understand exactly what the hell a mod is and the rest of the language you have to speak in order to play this game.
2. Read Apple’s Eula – or better yet, let Richard Dreyfus read it for you! Yes, Academy Award winner Mr. Holland lent his baritones to this epic reading. Pay close attention to the “Effective Until” recording – priceless.
1. Make list of things to do during a polar vortex that you will never actually do, but believe are just witty enough to share with the rest of the world or the 17 people that casually follow your blog.
The Frontal Lobe 
Okay, this mattress flipping thing sort of troubles me… is this like literal FLIPPING like a pancake? Because surely not. I have a pillow top so that won’t work…. so it’s just like spinning it around so you’re switching heads for tails? This still sounds daunting. Maybe Winter 2015.
Ugh, their frequency for suggested flipping is completely unreasonable. And yes, I do believe they mean pancake style. I too have a topper which will undoubtedly lead to no mattress flipping now and in the future.